Requiem
by CapitolCouture
Summary: "I drowned in the sticky air of that first party; a flood of taboos filling my lungs. I drowned in the middle of the woods, gasped and sunk in desperation. I drowned in the tunnels of New York, the rat infested darkness pressing in on me like an ominous wave. My old friend joins me again, as I stare at Alex, alive. Drowning." The first chapters of Requiem, Alex/Lena/Julian
1. Drown, Run, Scream

**Lauren Oliver owns Delirium and all of its characters. **

**AN: Hello, all! This is my first Delirium Fic, I'm super excited! I was surprised by how little fics there are for Delirium! I thought, since it's such an AMAZING book/ series, there would be way more on here! But that's okay :D I've really enjoyed all of the beautiful writing so far and I hope I can make a good contribution to this community :D**

**This is your run-of-the-mill Requiem story, which will probably only be three-four chapters because if I was going to do more I'd have to actually make a plot and plan out an entire novel… Which is not my job, it's Lauren Oliver's :) But I still wanted to write something, so I'm mostly just going to focus the Alex/Lena/Julian thing and not an actual plot or really mention the whole resistance which is going to boil up in Requiem.**

**This story has about the same level of cussing as the books do (sometimes uses sh, stuff like that).**

**P.S… I refuse to call the Alex/Lena/Julian thing a 'love triangle', because that denotes an equal chance for each guy. And that is absolutely untrue…. Because only one guy could ever possibly be with Lena. (Hint: look at which name is first). **

**I hope you like it, and PLEASE review :D **

The first time I experienced the feeling of drowning, I was four years old.

It was a sunny day at East End Beach, with Tukey's bridge glinting in the distance and the Wilds of the northern border just slightly rustling- a mishmash of beautiful greenery and imaginary shadows my cursory knowledge of The Book of Shhh had taught me to see.

The day had warmed the rocky, gravel flecked sand, and it felt nice between my toes. Mom took her time fastening two floaty things to my arms- twin points of protective pressure. As young as I was, I wasn't quite afraid of the nearness of the Wilds or the noisy sucking of the ocean as it pulled back from the beach with the tide. Instead, I eagerly balanced on Mom's hip as she bounced me in the water.

Rachel was occupied with a sand castle; a city of her own creation that promised glittering buildings full of uncureds with peaceful smiles. I remember looking back at my big sister and thinking places like that actually existed. I felt so safe in the warm water, with my mother's arms around me, that anything could have been possible.

Until her arms dropped away.

"_I was so relieved when she scooped me back up. But- but disappointed, too. Like I'd lost the chance at something great, you know?" _I remember saying to Alex our first day together at East End.

I felt like I was drowning that day, too. When Alex told me what he was. _Invalid_.

East End Beach introduced me to one of my earliest and closest friends. I drowned in the sticky air of that first party; Hana's expectant eyes and the flood of taboos around me filling my lungs. I drowned in the middle of the woods, gasped and sunk in desperation. I drowned in the tunnels of New York, the rat infested darkness pressing in on me like an ominous wave.

And now, my old friend joins me again.

I'm drowning in the stark-bright air of an Invalid homestead. I'm drowning in my past. Drowning in his eyes.

_Alex. Alex. Alex. _

_Drowning._

"Why not?"

Just two words. When I first saw Alex, those were the only words that escaped my lips. My only answer.

The question was:

"Don't believe her."

_Darkness, falling, rushing, tunnel, pressure, chaos, exploding, impossible, dream, dead. _

_Alex. _

"Why. Not," I repeat the words again. They roll off of my tongue, heavy. Thick. I taste them dumbly, not sure what to do next.

It was the normal answer to give. It was the normal next step.

It could have been a normal conversation if I hadn't hit the concrete of the parking lot two seconds later, unconscious.

"Hey, Lena," Raven shakes me awake, a jokingly impatient look on her face.

"I…" Never mind. I can't speak.

"Lena?" Raven's voice is slightly higher. "You look a little woozy again. Don't give up three seconds after you finally come awake."

"Did I… Did I break anything?" I ask. This is simple. This doesn't involve either of them.

Raven shakes her head. "Julian was close enough to catch you… Mostly," Raven grimaces.

"Mostly catch me?" I sit up in the unfamiliar cot and lean against the wall, eyes heavy lidded.

"Right. You very nearly hit your head on the pavement."

I nod slowly, and then summon up a halfhearted "oh."

I can't tell if Raven's expression is "pitying" or "terrified".

"They're both still here," she says. She shifts her weight onto her left foot, lapsing into an empty silence. "You can talk to me, if you want," she offers, for once just as lost as I am.

Raven turns to the open door.

"Wait!" I call. "What should I do?"

Raven shakes her head and closes her eyes for a second, thinking. When her eyes open again, she utters a single word- which turns out to be the best advice she's ever given me.

"Run."

Miraculously I make it out of the warehouse without running into Julian or… Or Alex.

I hastily put on my worn out sneakers and emerge into glaring sunlight. There's no long, broken road to race down, but there is a nice, flat stretch of pavement littered with gravel and old remnants of plastic packaging.

I stretch too quickly, lazily skipping most of the exercises. And then, I'm off.

My lungs fill with searing pain at around two miles, and by this time I've run the length of the cement. In front of me, there's nothing but trees and dilapidated bushes. The sun beats heavily down on my back and intensifies the burning in my legs, my lungs, every inch of muscle in me.

The familiar rush of actual, physical pain needles every inch of my body but I keep pushing. It's easier than when I ran with Hana back in Portland, thanks to those weeks of early mornings at the first Homestead.

I break the barrier of pain faster than normal. All of the pressure dissolves away and I fill my lungs with a new breath of sweet, cool air. Now I can fly. Now is the time to think.

Alex is alive.

This is the first run where his auburn hair doesn't flash in the corner of my eye- the first run where his ghost doesn't haunt me with the memory of his smile and a flickering hand, always just out of reach.

Alex doesn't haunt me anymore, because he's alive.

I realize the inexplicable and inexcusable- I miss the fleeting presence of the apparition, and I'm running from the boy that I could actually hold again.

Something is terribly wrong. When I saw Alex, I wasn't happy. Instead of a rush of joy, I felt a rush of despair, confusion, _drowning_. Instead of running to touch his warm skin again, to kiss him again, I collapsed.

I'm wrong. I was so wrong. What's happening?

_It was his eyes, _my brain tries to rationalize. _It was his tone of voice, what he said. It was new, and you didn't recognize him. That's why. That's why. _

But the cold set of his jaw shouldn't have sucked all of my joy away. Even I know it's a flimsy excuse.

I pump my legs faster, trying to drown out my guilt and my failure, but I'm made to pay for my sins. With each pounding step, an image tears through my mind.

_Pound. _Alex winks at me, his laugh set against a background of thundering hooves.

_Pound_. Alex whispering in my ear as we stand outside of the labs, watching birds swoop over the bay. He says, "_gray." _

_Pound. _Alex reaches out his hand and tells me that he's safe. And we dance on a hill in the dark.

_Pound. _Alex bobs in the turning water of Back Cove, and painfully tells me his truth.

_Pound. _Alex pulling me through the hallways of hell, and crawling into a tiny shed- a savior, a miracle.

_Pound. _Kissing Alex is like music or dancing but better than both. Waves of light swell and break inside of me and I feel like I'm floating. I touch him- touch his bare skin, not even flinching back but instead feeling like this is all I've ever wanted. A word presses softly and warmly on my tongue, and I love to say it. _Yes. Yes, yes, yes. _

_Pound_. We lay together in 37 Brooks.

_Pound_. Kissing Alex is like breathing.

_Pound_. The rumble of a motorcycle saves me. Alex, savior again.

_Pound. _Months without him. Julian. Traitor. Unfaithful. You didn't look for him. If you were really in love, you wouldn't have believed them when they said he was dead.

Suddenly my legs twist underneath me, and I trip over my own momentum,

tottering closer and closer to the dry ground as I propel my legs forward.

With one desperate push, I regain my balance and jerk to a stop. The pain isn't supposed to catch up to me at the end of a run, but it does.

I walk in circles to try and soothe my cramps, but nothing works. Pain follows every small step, until I'm doubled over.

I curse myself. _You should've stretched, _I scream in my head. But I've been fit enough to get by with minimal warm-up for a while now.

The real cause of the pain was the memories.

"I've never seen you run," a voice appears from a fringe of trees.

I can't help it- I scream.

**Thanks for reading :) **


	2. NeverAlmost the Same

**Lauren Oliver owns the Delirium series and all of its characters. **

"I didn't mean to scare you," Alex says, his voice non-committal, cautious.

"How did you get out here?" I ask, amazed.

Alex smirks. I love his smirk.

"I rode the motorcycle as far as I could go," he says.

_Motorcycle. Escape from a window, over a fence. Explosions, fire, blood. _

Alex must see my pained look, because he quickly explains. "Just a motorcycle that belongs to a high-up at the warehouse. He helped with my escape… I just owe him one more favor, now."

Alex's escape. People helped with it. And I didn't.

"Lena," Alex says, taking a half-step toward me. His voice now is gentle, and his eyes soften. Besides the smirk, it's the first I've seen of the old Alex. And the first I've seen him being gentle.

But just as I feel a rush of relief; _he doesn't hate me,_ his eyes change to cool again.

"Were you running from me?" he asks.

I'm shaking like a leaf. "Yes. From… From both of you."

Alex's eyebrow raises. "Both of us," he repeats crisply.

"I thought you were dead."

"Are you disappointed?"

A sob works it way through my throat. "No!"

Alex takes one more step, until he's completely out of the fringe of trees. "Is it okay if I kiss you?"

_No. _

_Why no? _

_Traitor. _

_You love him. _

I try to remember the beautiful pressure of a different word on my tongue, a better word, from happier days.

"Yes," I whisper.

Now Alex is so close, so close I could touch him. I could touch him. I never thought I would touch him again. I never thought I would hear his voice, even if the music has gone from it.

His hand brushes against my cheek roughly, examining my face like something mysterious. He places his hand on my back, such a familiar feeling, but one I had lost to the fog of broken memory. Alex kisses me, and my heart hammers to the beat of hysteria. And his eyes, his long-lost, beautiful, burning eyes, are twin pools of deliria.

When we pull apart, I'm breathless. The empty cavity in my heart that opened after Alex 'died' burns with heat and I feel euphoric. He's back. And I still feel it, all of the passion. I didn't fall out of love, and we can fix everything I thought was broken.

"What about the poster boy?" Alex asks me, again not his usual self. I imagined him speaking lightly, casually, easily… Like we had kissed in the dappled sunlight of 37 Brooks, where nothing else mattered.

Well… Actually, I hadn't ever imagined Alex talking about me and another guy.

"He's not a poster boy. Julian just ran away with- Ran away from it all. They almost killed him."

"You were going to say 'ran away with me', weren't you?"

"I need to apologize, Alex. I… I didn't look hard enough for you. I mean, I didn't look at all," I murmur, a tear gathering at the corner of my eye. I risk glancing up at his face, which is unnaturally blank. "I didn't know to look. I thought you were dead. I didn't give up on you, I swear, I just didn't know there was any other way…" I hate his blank face, his hard eyes. Why does he still look like this, after we just kissed?

I speak frantically, praying his expression changes. "But, but Julian, he… And I, we met because I was helping the resistance. And the only reason I lo- I loved him, Alex. I mean, I do… I never stopped loving you. But I thought, maybe, you would want me to be… Happy. After you died. Or I thought… But you're more important, you always were. I didn't stop thinking about you, even after Julian and I."

"How have you been?" Alex says simply.

All I can do is stare at him, wide eyed. "What?"

"How have you been? Have you been happy?"

The question feels like a blow, and sounds like the cruel tip of a Scavenger's knife.

"I nearly died," I spit at him, unaware of the origin of my sudden fury. "I nearly killed myself. Some days I didn't want to get up, just go through a tunnel, because I knew you were at the end of it. Some days I ran, I ran until I was bleeding and I did it because I wanted to see _YOU_! _ALEX!_" I scream his name, without meaning to.

"Are you happy with him?" Alex's voice is low, and calm, and harsh.

"Yes!" I scream at him. "Yes, I was happy with him! But I needed you, Alex, I wanted you so badly I cried, I cry all the time. _WHERE did you GO!"_

I remember, when I still thought that love was an evil word, I was sometimes scared of Alex. I would get scared of the revolution in his eyes, the bravery and the power in his voice, the pure danger of everything he stood for.

But when Alex pushes on my shoulders now, it's a different type of fear. A chilling, desperate one. His voice is a growl.

"I was in the Crypts, Magdalena. I was in that hellhole every moment you were living in some homestead and running your little marathons and cooking meat over a fire. When you were going on missions for the resistance? While you made promises to the Cureds' bitch? I was in the Crypts, back in Portland, and I was carving the word love in stone with my fingernails until they broke off, because I remembered you, and I thought that you were trying for me, I thought you were going to be happy to see me. _I thought it was worth living_."

I'm sobbing so hard I can't see. "I wanted-" I gasp, but I can't finish because Alex tightens his grip on my shoulders.

"I wanted, too. I wanted a toilet, because there wasn't one, or even a bucket in Ward Six. I wanted food, but I didn't get any. I starve? Oh well. I was almost blind, because, did you know? There's no light in the Crypts. None at all. And every moment of _HELL _was like ten days. I told myself that it was bearable, because I thought of you. Lena at the Governor, Lena at the house, Lena at that party, Lena in the water, Lena with an injured leg."

Alex spits out each of my favorite memories and mocks them in a singsong voice, twisting them and making them nothing.

"But I was lying to myself. None of that shit worked. It just made me more crazy. You'll be happy to know, Lena, that your face didn't inspire very much hope."

I shake harder, no longer sobbing, just terrified. I try to back away from him but his grip hasn't loosened.

I don't know how I have the strength to speak, but somehow I do. "Alex," I plead, my voice breaking on that beautiful name. I can't reconcile it with the boy in front of me.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you had to live there, I'm sorry you had to suffer so much. I'm sorry you thought I didn't care about you, but I did. Every… Every moment. In the beginning, it was the same for me, Alex, I swear."

His eyes cloud with a million emotions at once. "And now…" His voice is so quiet, it breaks my heart.

"And now you're back. It's a gift, something I couldn't believe. And anything I wanted to have with Julian was a way to forget the pain of losing you, it could never be the same as you."

Finally, Alex releases my shoulders and turns sharply back towards the trees.

"Yeah?" He says, voice thick. I can't tell what he's thinking or feeling with his back to me.

"Yeah," I whisper.

More abrupt movement, and I find myself kissing him again, forcefully, his hands holding me there, with no escape.

But I feel as I should, following the rules of first love, and I don't want to.

He pulls back, looking at me questioningly. "You have the right to punch me right now."

"What?"

"I should have asked… I mean, to kiss you."

I'm struck with loss because of the absurdity of it. "No, I wish it wasn't like that. We should be… You didn't have to ask permission back in Portland. When we were… Boyfriend and girlfriend?" The term sounds so shockingly normal I giggle.

I always do that at the most inappropriate times.

"Things have changed," Alex says, sobering me.

So many things have, even if I manage to let go of Julian and Alex manages to let go of his suffering and anger.

"Everything has," I agree. "Except for this."

I return the action, and it's like the old days where we kissed more than we talked.

_Almost._

**Thank you for reading PLEAAASE review! :)**


	3. Flying, Falling

**Lauren Oliver owns the Delirium series and all of its characters. **

"I don't know if I can do this," I say.

Alex holds my hands gently, encouraging me with his gaze. His eyes warm me all the way through. The only hint of negative emotion remains on the edges of his eyes, but maybe that will never go away. It's hard to forget suffering.

"Lena, it's not the same motorcycle. And you know that we're safe. We're miles and miles away from regulators, from borders, from scientists and DFA lobbyists."

"How many miles? Because I ran 'miles' from the warehouse here singlehandedly," I pout.

"I know," Alex smiles. "Nine miles, to be exact. I've had to walk the last two twice."

It only took a short hike to get to where Alex parked the motorcycle. He marked the way back through the forest the normal Wilds way- with paint. I was surprised to find he had thought of it, but there was a can tucked into his backpack when he scooped it out of some bushes.

As tired as I am, I can't look at our ride back without a resurgence of memories.

"Think about it this way," Alex offers. "The worst part about those memories was the fact that I died," he makes air quotes around this, "right?"

I smile wanly. "No, the worst part was getting all of that dirt and blood on my favorite shirt."

_Very funny_ Alex's smirk says.

"So, as I was saying, if the only bad thing about the motorcycle sequence was my death, and that fear has been rendered obsolete, then there should be nothing scary about the motorcycle sequence! And nothing scary about this little, innocent motorcycle _here_."

I breathe out once. "Right."

We both climb on, me a bit tentatively, but I do it.

"Alright. Let's get back," Alex says, and revs the engine loudly.

The rushing of the motorcycle takes me by surprise, and I can't help but love it. This is only the second time in my life I've been on something that moves this fast in the open air, and the first time I wasn't really focused on the joyride.

"This is great!" I yell at Alex, and he nods his head in agreement, taking one hand off of the handlebars and dropping it down to his waist to squeeze mine.

A few moments of howling silence pass by.

"Lena?"

"Yes?" I can barely hear over the noise.

"I'm sorry I… Lost it."

My body feels heavy. "I guess I lost it before you did."

"No. You were right about… Everything you said. I would have wanted you to move on. It was just… Hard, because nothing worked out like I thought it would."

"I didn't exactly plan on the last year either," I say, forgetting to yell.

"What?"

"It's okay, Alex. I know the Crypts must have been _awful_."

"I had no right to yell at you…" He shudders. "Or to pin you down like that."

I smile into his back. "As long as it ended in a kiss, I was okay with it."

Although I have no way of seeing for sure, I know Alex is smiling too.

When we arrive back at the warehouse the sun has almost disappeared.

Alex helps me off, flourishing his hand like a gentleman from one of his ancient books.

And then I see Julian, leaning against the big metal doors of the warehouse, sending pieces of gravel skittering across the pavement with his shoes.

"Shit," I mutter.

Julian sees me about three seconds after I see him. He stands up, and walks briskly towards us.

"Lena!" He calls, sounding relieved.

I turn frantically to Alex, placing my palms on his chest. "Please, Alex, just don't say anything."

I run to meet Julian halfway.

"Hi," he says, breathless, when we reach each other.

"Julian."

Instead of speaking, Julian presses his lips against mine.

I don't mean to, but I jump back like I've been shocked.

Julian looks at me, hurt and confused. "Are you alright?"

My breaths are shaky. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm alright. But… I have to talk to you."

"Okay," Julian says lightly, but I can tell it's forced.

"We've been through a lot together, and I… I don't regret any of it. But today I-" I choke on my words. Am I really about to tell Julian we can't be together? I've never wanted that.

_Softly, gently, he lowers his hand that final inch. For a moment I hear that quick exhale, a release of some kind, and everything in my body goes still and white and hot, a starburst, a silent explosion. Julian keeps running his hand through my hair- twisting it around in his fingers. I close my eyes. _

_There's so much comfort in his presence. _

_He saw me topless, exposed. _

_He looked at me like I was beautiful. _

_I want to lose myself in Julian, feel our skin melting together._

_He makes my name sound like music. I could kiss him, listen to him say my name forever._

_We find each other's rhythm. I run my lips lightly over his, explore his tongue, softly, with mine. I inhale the smell of his skin, fresh and also woodsy. We can kiss as much as we want._

_His are eyes to swim in, to float in forever. _

I gasp, shards of blissful memory crashing down around me.

Blissful. Julian is bliss. But Alex, Alex is the name that sounds in my head, every moment, sometimes softly, sometimes beautifully loud- when I kiss Julian, I ride a wave of pure joy. But when I kiss Julian, I think of Alex.

"Lena?" Julian asks, angling my chin upwards with his soft hand until I'm gazing into his eyes. "Are you sure you're alright? What is it?"

I realize I've been silent for too long.

"Uh, Julian… Nothing. Nothing."

He looks at me inquisitively. "Can I ask what happened? I was so worried about you after you passed out… And then you just disappeared."

"Oh, I'm fine. Raven checked me out for any injuries. I just went for a run. To… Think a little," I try to adopt the flippant tone Hana had perfected.

Julian's eyes drift to Alex, still waiting by the motorcycle. "That's him, isn't it."

I steel myself, watching Julian closely.

"That's the… Guy who infected you," Julian says.

I nod, not having the heart to correct him on his Cured terminology.

"I thought he was dead," Julian says bluntly.

"Well, me too," I say. It comes out sharper than I meant it.

Julian stands awkwardly for a few minutes. "Well. I'll be inside." With that, he turns and strides across the blacktop, back to the warehouse and its crowded rooms of rowdy, lively Invalids.

I'm at a loss for words, so I let him walk away.

**Thanks for reading! Please review :)**


	4. In Between

**Lauren Oliver owns the Delirium series and all of its characters.**

"Don't overeat," Raven says wryly, glancing at my full plate**. **

I push my fork through a pile of steaming green beans half-heartedly. "That's okay, Raven. I'm just storing up for winter."

Raven throws a concerned look over her shoulder and joins Tack and Sarah at the other end of the table.

"This is a delicious meal," Julian says politely to an Invalid cook. The woman just grunts at him. Julian is sitting next to me, eating everything in small, measured bites, as if he were under a spotlight.

Alex, on the other hand, shows his compliments to the chef by the way he's shoveling food down faster than Tack at the winter Homestead. With a pang, I remember how I had lost my table manners after starving in the woods before Raven found me. I know the signs of starvation by experiencing them so many times myself. And the Crypts must have been worse than anything I've ever felt.

With Alex and Julian on each side of me, though, their warmth touching my skin and invading my heart, I'm not very hungry.

"I'm going to go," I say to no one in particular, pushing back from the table and dropping my fork with a clatter.

Julian looks up at me, surprised. Alex shoves up after me, his eyes suspicious.

"Later, pretty boy," he says to Julian.

I set my jaw and stride away from the table, but I know Alex is right behind me. I catch Julian clenching his fists in the corner of my eye.

"You didn't have to make it look like we were leaving together," I whirl at Alex once we enter an empty antechamber.

Alex looks at me, his sparkling eyes amused. "But we were."

I run my hands through my hair, frustrated. "Alex. I wish you wouldn't make it so hard on him."

His confident smirk falls a bit. "Make what hard? Lena, there really isn't anything between us."

I can't miss the pointed way he says it.

I feel slightly guilty. Since the motorcycle ride, I've been avoiding both Alex and Julian as much as I can without making it obvious to either of them. Raven needed help with preparations for our next resistance assignment, and the rest of the Invalids here are never out of something to do. But after four days of washing dishes, making beds, and planning tactics, I've run out of excuses.

"I… I told you I'd be with you, didn't I? Now I just need a little time. I won't hurt Julian."

"Pretty boy will be just fine," Alex sneers.

I take the opportunity to smack him on the shoulder. "Drop the nickname, and the attitude. You told me you'd work on controlling your anger."

The smirk is now completely gone, leaving a slightly pained look. "Right. Anger," he sighs. "You're not in the Crypts anymore. Lena doesn't want anger."

I watch him worriedly. I don't notice his emaciated body anymore or the few scars and bruises marking his skin. But the psychological marks of his captivity…

"It's okay," I tell him gently, placing my hand on his arm. "I'm glad you're with me. Safe."

To my surprise, he jumps back. "I'm not a scared animal, Lena. I won't run at the slightest movement. I'm still human. They didn't take that." And then, much more quietly- "They couldn't take it."

A tear pricks at the corner of my eye. "I know," I whisper. "They didn't take it from me, either."

Alex steps forward, his hand moving to cradle my back, and kisses me softly. I feel the usual burning electricity.

I hear footsteps before I have time to stop the kiss.

"Can we talk?"

I jump away, heart pounding, waiting for Julian to call me a liar, a monster, all of the things I am.

But it's only Raven.

"Am I interrupting something?" she says, eyeing the way Alex moves back to wrap around me.

"Umm, no," I say, at the same time Alex says "Yes."

Raven smiles. "Meet me in the conference room when you're… Finished," she waves her hand vaguely at Alex.

"Yeah, okay," I say. My cheeks are burning.

"Both of you," Raven adds, and turns away.

"Do you see that?" Alex asks me. "You shouldn't be guilty to be with me. We shouldn't have to talk in dark hallways. I get that you have some sort of connection to pretty boy, but I'm tired of being even with him. I've waited long enough to be with you again. Don't make it longer," he says gently.

I know that he's right. But after all these days of having both of them so close to me, I can't bear to see one of them go. All I say is "I'll be in the conference room."

I hope he doesn't mind waiting just a few days more.

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